LaPSeD rEaSOn

Living in Seattle going on ninth month. I got a job at Dillettant Bar and have a real love/hate thing going. I want to work less and get paid more, but I still earn the same amount monthly. It would just be nice to cut one more day out of the month.

I have been putting good time into writing and writing ventures. Lately joined up and helped setup a critique group for some writers, which is very inspiring.

Mila, my french bulldog, is getting slowly better in terms of skin. She gets weird bumps and crustiness and we just completed a second round of antibiotics in 9 months. More work than I bargained for, but I’d be much more sedentary if she weren’t in my life.

Same struggles in year 39 as I seemed to face at 29 and 19. Weight, money, work and self image. I appear to be in the trend of america who misspends and got sucked into credit. School loans will be a ball and chain. In the afterlife I will probably be stuck with some awful hat I have to wear that denotes inability to pay off a sum that is 99% interest and 1% principle.

Living in the city is an adventure. Street people really set me off on many different tangents and there are masses of them. Between where I get ooff the bus at john and broadway, on my way to work, to five blocks north to mercer there will be at least 6-7 panhandlers. There are pretty stable spots where they stand, each one seeming to find that panhandling sweet spot. Like right out the grocery store. Had dueling disturbances there the other day. A latina nun with a folding table, a can the size of a large watermelon for change and flyers, seeming to be putting a lot of effort into the regular guy who stands on the corner with a stolen baby stroller loaded with crap.

I can see from my window a 24 hour roadside/red light panhandle spot. Cars coming off the freeway stop there as they wait to turn up denny. This last week they get so bold to walk among the cars in four lanes of stopped traffic to point at their signs and point at people. its a mix of panhandling and carnie hustling. Beyond the panhandle sweetspot I can see the James Orion Homeless youth shelter, which is an endless display of shit and sadness. One pack has taken up residence on the ground level beneath my window, the second floor. They sleep in sleeping bags and they started back when it was stil in the mid 30s at night. Started with one, then two and it weint up to at least 8 one day, all along the store front for play it again sports, that have had 3 windows smashed in the last 9 months. The down/comforter sports shop in the other direction just had one of their front windows smashed out this week. There have been two shootings on my floor that I know of. Other tenants have pointed out the main drug dealers, who despite a housing employee who sits at the door all night taking IDs, keep a regular flow of rough and troubled looking men and women going in an out. I have had two door to door wandering hookers knock on my door twice since I been here. I’ve heard of a few deaths in the building, there are some real old folks here. First week I was here, the septigenarian who lives next door had fallen and dragged himself to lay half out of his apartment in his dirty white shirt and jockey underwear. As I was going to me door I saw him and he asked me to go get a housing employee, but I helped him up.

Fire department has been here a number of times, though the apartments adjacent to the homeless youth shelter is a down-and-out-former-or-active-drug-user place with a serious security at the front foyer. Ambulances and fire trucks seem to be there a couple times a month. The 10 blocks from my building, up to Broadway, is a 1/2 mile and its nearly all hill. Going up the first block, I can see down to the front entrance to the building and the ambulances parked out front, not that I gawk and look-on.

Though, I have to say I walk the dog out as late as 11pm – 2am and I never encounter more than seedy characters. No one aggressive. I think nutty people make up for most of the window damage in the area. I hear yellers and screamers go by frequently. One guy screamed, “You be perfect Shoe Boy!” at the manaquin feet in the sports store window below.

The city is doing road repairs and they will sometimes block off the mercer freeway exit, the one before my exit, stewart st. Usually about 5-6 cops directing traffic at the intersection where the 4 lane one-way cross the 4 lanes of two way traffic. Flocks of buses gather outside my window starting at about 6 am. By 8 am it can really rumble. Ear plugs help. Even if there was no traffic i gotta wear earplugs because mila can decide to play with her toys at 2 in the morning and she is a snorty noisy dog.

It has been a good and rough 9 months. I long for differnt things on different days, but I got food and shelter and work. Things could be far worse.

So nearly a year later.  I have been working on a sub-site, mostly, it is my current notes for stories I want to develop.  O moved from Nova Scotia to live in Seattle, Washington. Got a part-time job cooking and living paycheck to paycheck. Older dog died in summer of 2010 and I got a new dog that fall.  My mother’s mother died as a result of a car accident and life seems full of changes and swings.

My apologies for losing track yet again. Just another woosh. It is an amazing thing to go up and down and all around, both in my head and in my world.

As far as work goes it is about the same as it was. Hard, demanding, rewarding, aggrevating, uplifting, sharp, edgy and so on. I sat down with my director and laid out an exit and return strategy. My contract was Jan 27 2009 to Jan 26 2011. I asked if I might cut the term short ( pardon me if I already mentioned this in a previous post). I will leave Sept 28, but come back in the summer of 2011 for 4 months. Some of my reasoning is: 1) I left Portland looking to get something that I realized was not as simple to get as I thought. Still get-able, but I don’t have to live here 12 months a year to get it. 2) I left Portland in a bit of a rush and didn’t plan well for my dog Ofra, though she is now in a good home. But in my rush I cut myself loose, abruptly, from a home I was invested in for the last 6 years. It was a good move, but I could have dismounted a bit more gracefully. I still need to handle my belongings which are stored in a basement space. 3) I miss the Pacific Northwest and being close to family and friends. 4) I long to live in a household of two or less. Many years of many roommates leaves me wanting less immediate companions. I want to be around people and I want to live somewhere that is not commonly shared by 4 or more other people.

I feel like I have really made some headway in reflecting on myself and exapnding my interpersonal skill and working skills. I don’t think that will stop when I leave here, but it certainly won’t be as sharp nor as rewarding. Partly why I plan to return. Who knows I may go away and realize I want to be back in it again. Fickle mind that I am drug around does that to me a lot.

I am trying to clarify some systems here that have been a great source of contention within the community. A few little processes that are vague create a unstable foundation for a system that generates a lot of friction between people. It isn’t easy to impliment change in this situation. And my version of clarify is to write out instructions. Over the years of feedback and input I think I have gotten quite good at writing concise and precise verbiage, even going so far to add drawings and pictoral aids. Yet people in a hurry rarely take the time to read more than a few sentences. Sadly I just can’t dumb it down much more. Doing certain things is complex and can’t be so simply writen. So I put up information and when people get tired of doing it the hard way they look at a few lines and get some tips – after awhile they learn to read it all. Thankfull new folks are more likely to read things – so as we transition to new staff new habits are formed.

As far as staff go here I am now second longest person here with my 16 month run. Jewell is 36 month + and I don’t count the director or acharya because they are pretty much permenant fixtures.

I am also trying to write up manuals for kitchen, though I am coming to doubt if that will really be a good use of my time. Folks make their way and part of learning is figuring it out. My replacement is here and she struggles with my directions because she doesn’t necessarily see the kitchen and presentation of food the same way I do, which frequently has feel like being slapped or spit on – yet it isn’t really … I just find myself reacting as if it were. I have to examine my over sensitivity and uptightness. I work to get under that and see what is the real inteligence about my experience. I find myself in some snit because a certain menu isn’t followed and I can get lost in trying to force it on someone who doesn;t udnerstand, but that lack of understanding exisists mostly because the reasoning behind the choice is not made clear. I ahve to give up the fantasy that people will just do what I say without asking questions or shutting down due to lack of information or perhaps some perceived aggressiveness. A good question I asked myself and someone else recently is “What is the difference between being aggressive and being perceived as aggressive?” Which there all sorts of snarky things that might be said, but in fact if I am trying to get someone to go along with my ideas then whether I am being aggressive or i am percieved as being so doesn’t matter. People generally don’t jump on the wagon under duress. pardon my spelling and typing.

This last two weeks I have been in a big program – particpating this time instead of cooking. It the one big program I came here hopign to attend. Yee haw. What an ordeal. Its all the perfect information I have been looking for. A bit much. Its like having a two week primer on algebra, geometry and calculus. Its not that I ahve learned it all in that short time, but now I have much homework. Sadly being in a practice center is not the best place for me to get into it. I feel far too busy here to sit down and study every day. Unfortunately. Most of that is my way of working here and less about the opportunities this place affords.

So I am now looking ahead and thinking I will couch surf until I find a place to live. Seattle seems nice, portland is very familiar, but I am very open to anywhere. I have no solid ties to anyone place, but I do have a committment to return to Nova Scotia for 4 months next year so it will be interesting to see what happens.

Sorry for the big gap again, but at least I got back eventually.

So begins the 10th week of the year 2010. Things get more challenging, but also get more familiar so there is a mixture of being okay with how things are and being unsettled about where things are going.

I miss Portland a lot these days. I long to be back in a more comforting place. This isolation and endless work is wearing on me. Then again I am also feeling good that I am more organized and more disciplined than ever. My increased activity has had some great benefits and I feel like my mind and body are going in good directions. Low blood pressure seems to indicate that too.

Yet I am mopey and find myself sitting again and again on my pity pot. Then I get up and move forward. Thankfully time keeps going by.

A long program has started yesterday. Not a big group but the kitchen is seeing a new way of working. I am down to making dinners and putting more time into management and such. Its a rough transition with some hard feelings all around.

The food gets made – so nothing so dramatic as to cause problems there.

44 more weeks to go.

For some reason we celebrate the chinese new year. Which happened to fall on Valentine’s day. I made a big batch of spaghettti and put out some leftovers at a potluck. It all went well. The new person in the kitchen is doing great. She is a quick learner and it helps we have a good and natural friendship going. The system in the kitchen is going very well. The last few days has been another program, which goes on for another 5 days. It is a good group of people. I am flush with kitchen help, which is a challenge and a blessing. I got to come up with things for eveyone to do and most people want to know why they are doing something. Some people want to be chopping when I have them cleaning, but oh well. There are lots of little things that need to be maintained that I don’t get to because I am too busy. Nice to have some extra hands to get those things done.

Thankfully this week I got to toss out a bunch of old salad dressings. I over ordered during our big programs. Well … that and the stuff I did order wasn’t the best dressing so it didn’t go as fast as I hoped. But now it is all gone and we are back to making our own dressing. I get a nice big block of blue cheese about once a quarter and we make blue cheese dressing, which comes right out of Joy of Cooking. Then I also love a lemon tahini dressing which comes out of the Moosewood Soup and Salad COokbook. Now if I could just get reliable spinach and salad greens. The stuff I get is usually a bit mushy when I open the bag so it doesn’t hold up too long. The company packs their bags too tight to the salad rots faster being compressed. I can’t wait for summer when we will get fresh greens from a local farmer. It is so nice.
Last year I scoffed at the price, but now given a year of experience buying stuff from the produce people in Truro i am more than willing to pay a bit more for fresh stuff that lasts 5 or 6 days longer than the other stuff.

I am still working to shift to a more vegetarian menu. I have sorta comprimised with making most of the main dishes in vegan form and adding a meat condiment. Which works nice for people who want some meat in their meal and for me as I am accounting for my food intake on a program I am using. Now I can say I had a specific amount of something. Sometimes it is hard to come up with exact intake information, but it seems to all work out. I am losing the weight the program says I should, according to what I tell it.

I am thinking of going in to halifax this next sunday and monday. I hope all works so I can.

Funny how a week can go by and it seems like just a few days.

I got my tattoo on Feb 1st. The design is simple. A cricle: about the size of a coffe mug. Actually it was just that. We have some fancy china mugs that we serve hot beverages to teachers in. The have a nice lid and blue patterns on the outside. Not something anyone uses aside from teachers. I took one of those mugs and we pressed it into the carbon paper the tattoo artist uses. So the rim of the mug was well coated. The tattooist then shaved an area on my upper back. I picked the spot by putting two finger right under a gold thread I wear, which has a few protection knots in it. Some antibiotic gel is smeared on the shorn area and the cup, carbon rim side down, was pressed against my skin. My new friend and kitchen assistant was there to help. She pushed the cup and lifted it off. It was funny cause I think the Tattoo lady figured my friend and I were more that just friends; it was just the way she kept telling her, “Oh you will know much better what he wants.” I didn;t say anthing about it. L was having fun. She took pictures so I could see what it looked like. As the mug was being pressed down it made a slight smear on one side, giving the circle a slightly mishapen look. It looks to me like an eclipse. I told the tattooist that I loved that and that she hsould even do more to create that effect on the other side.
I was a bit worried about the pain of the tattoo process. I imagined excruciating or searing pain. In the end it was a prickly stabbing. Which makes sense since the tattoo gun is like a manic hand held sowing machine. As she drew the device across the skin, tracing the carbon print it did feel like a cutting sensation. My mind was a bit freaked out. “She is cutting me!” seemed an alarmed reactionary thought. Which in a way the tattoo is a cut. But it is a very shallow cut. The ink is embedded in the skin. Its not meant to go so deep as to make bleeding. Which the tattooist said I have skin for tattoo because I didn’t bleed or well up, which most people do. Maybe it was her style or the fact I picked my back hump to tattoo. I think I could have only picked a more blatant place to put a big circle had I chose to put on around my belly button.
So the tattoo itself took less than an hour and was very simple. We stopped a few times to take pictures and for me to give input. The tattooist, who is new in the trade and the only one in the village, kept saying how nice it was to work on adults who were so relaxed about the whole thing. I kept praising her work because I genuinely love what she did. It was part chance, the smeary shape, and mostly her work. The way the tattoo came out I cannot imagine ever being disatisfied with it. Matter of fact I will never really see it except for in pictures and at an odd angle in the mirror. A week later it is healed nicely and no infection or anything that even came remotely close.

The next weekend program came and went. There was no big issues about them. I was a bit perturbed at the way some of the communication came across. Which part of me understands that if a group comes and pays money for a program they really should not have to worry about catering to our needs as providers, but then again we are not a hotel. Here there is a living interaction between people who live here and people who visit here. We are not a resort. People pay to come particpate in programs and often programs include particpating in the life that is here. Matter of fact there is a lot of expectation around the life we as community members live and the atmosphere our collected living contributes to the space and place.

Normally programs come and they sync up with our routine schedule. This one was not and they change was very offputting. Having meals to be scheduled late, especially dinner means that kitchen staff works longer days and ends up doing more. Given a good comliment of staff this might be more managable but we don’t have the extra people. It is also difficult when a program asks for a meal at a certain time, usually earlier, then in fact they want it at regular time because they run late, unexpectedly. This is a big stress I could live without. I push myself and others with me to get stuff done early only to have it all have been a waste. So not only does the program get late cold food, but so do the regular community. And that bothers me most. I like to be timely and put out good and hot, when possible, food.

In the end they were very thankful and appreciative and I can’t say any of it was really a problem. I just hope I remember to communicate in advance to our people and their people that not going with the routine eating times is problematic. To change the times should always mean that the program itself should be putting the particpants in the kitchen to compensate for the change.

Weather has been a little more eratic this year than last. At the beginning of the month we have a real cold clear snap following a warm dry spell. Essentiall all the snow melted, except for large accumulations. Even the snow man staff built melted to a mound. Then the cold. It was down to 0 and even -4F. Clear skies and ice cold air. Then it warmed up and the last few days has soon a good 6-10 inches of snow. Its slightly wet and grainy. Packs very nicely. I went snowshoeing for an hour yesterday. Inner thighs are nice and achey to show for it.

Since I visited my doctor in dec 2009 and found out I weighed 245 – meaning i gained about 22 pounds in the previous 18 months – made me reconsider my indulgent ways. When I was back west I unpacked my bodybugg and ever since I got my luggage back from the airlines I hav ebeen using it faithfully. It essentially just tells me my caloric burn, minute by minute. I upload it to a program that I also input all I eat. The goal is to exert more than I ingest. I coudl go on and on about all the thing that inspire me and why I feel so strongly, but it comes down to wanting a better health. I weghed myself, had to buy a scale, and this morning I weigh 230. I have read up on healthy weight loss so I am going to try and reduce the pace I am on. Rather than trying to lose 8lbs a month I will go for 5. Hopefully this means less muscle loss. If all goes as planned I will be down around 200 by my birthday. Nice thing is I don’t feel like I am dieting or restriciting myself. It feels like I am chosing to not indulge something that has done nothing for me. Like I suddenly realized I was hammering my thumb and have had the sense to stop, but it is strange I do occasionally wanna hit my thumb with the hammer; but – DUH! – that hurts!

It has been intersting going through some physical changes. My regular diet up to now has left me a moody and withdrawn person. I still feel moody and reserved, but it feels less claustraphic right now. It all goes up and down. I will write more on that later.

The last day of January, the last day of a Level 1 & 2 Shambhala Program and boy am I glad.

Life is getting harder here out in the coutry. We are down to about 5 present and functioning community members. 2-3 of us cook. It is very very straining, yet wonderful. Sorta goes back and forth.

A new kitchen assistant is working out great. She isn’t quite fully aware of the gauntlet she is set upon, but I am trying to work her into it slowly. The tough part of being here is there is an endless amount of things to do and so many other community members are constantly putting out pressure to get help with what they are doing. I tend to be the opposite. I should be asking for more help but I usually keep quiet because I know everyone else is working so much.

Yesterday 2 community members took off for Vermont to attend Sutrayana Seminary. Thats two less people to manage doing dishes and other chores. It puts the pressure on everyone who remains. Of those that are here there is one with a blown knee who needs surgery very soon, another with a somewhat serious condition that must involve his inner ear. So that leaves the woman from britain, the elder of the women from texas, and the nova scotian woman. Then there is myself and the younger of the texan women ( who didn’t knwo one another) Oh and there is a volunteer who is suffering a number of fairly serious pancreatic malfunctions. You would think we were a home for invalids.

Next weekend we have another program of about the same size. Hopefully they will be a bit more helpful around the place. This group was mostly all new people.

I am going to get a tattoo tomorrow. “Just because I want one.” Would be the answer to the question – “Why?”

Also going to have dinner at the organic farm, run by some wonderful Germans. Tues I am taking off to go into Halifax for an evening. It will be so nice to get away.

Been mindfully changing the way I eat. This will be about a month now of eatting less in terms of portion sizes and also staying away from High Glycemic foods as much as possible. I have a handy tech device that tells me how many calories I burn and then I input my diet into a program that cross compares the calorie burn information. Its a great system that I have to keep myself mindful of. Just changing the diet and doing some regular cardio activity has dropped 12 poinds so far, maybe more. I see where I need to eat more on busier days. I get sorta grumpy if I don’t eat enough. Conversely I get a bit grumpy if I eat too much. Actually I seem to get grumpy no matter what. Guess I will work with that.
Just a quick update.

The cold seasons started off slowly. I was fully expecting snow in Non but it barely arrived as I was leaving for the PacificNorthwest. After three weeks gone it is back to a bit more like it was last year. Snow on the ground, sometimes drifting into knee-high piles. I am in a new room this year which has a few more windows so the cold seeps in. The floor is heated, but at this end of the building the warmth is minimal. A big down comforter keeps me warm. Some nights I’ll awake to one cold arm that I must have stuck out to cool down.

Last year I had the chance to attend a major program in my practice path but the timing of it and the need for me to do my job as kitchen manager left me deciding to work instead. It was interesting how everyone was against me not doing it. “You will really regret it.” One friend said. I figured I’d really regret not getting to do the work. After the fact I have a little regret, but the course is, of course, coming around again. Only it will be in colorado this year. Here at DDL this year there will be another major program in my practice, one of the major reasons I actually came here. Sutrayana Seminary. A two week program that introduces and goes into detail about the foundations of buddhism and its core teachings. Normally the class costs a few thousand dollars, once all costs are added together. Since I live and work here I only really have to pay for the books and materials needed. Then, by good fortune, the program I missed and the second seminary is available in colorado. Warrior’s Assmebly and Vajrayana Seminary. My meditation instructor, when I asked, said he didn’t have a problem with me attending them. His wife, my boss, had some reservations about it. She is concerned with the amount of stuff I am doing this year. The 2 seminaries and assembly is a bit much. One pro is I get them done and then can start the preliminary practices that follor the second seminary. These practices can take years to complete – or in the case of living at a practice center I might get them out in a year. Taking 5 weeks awa from work is also a concern and then not to mention the cost of airfare. Because I am considered a employee of Shambhala International I get a significant dicsount, but all told the summer trip to colorado could cost me up to $2000. I had hoped this would be a frugil year where I pay down some credit card debt. Not sure how, but that may still happen.

Minimal programs this time of year. A weekend program for Levels 1-3 starts on the 29th. With the new kitchen person I think it will all go very smoothly. The challenge is getting a master cookbook prepared for may. I need to set things up so the most inexperienced person can order while I am gone, which might prove a great challenge.

I will be taking part of a program in feb. It completes my prerequisites for assembly.

All goes well. I have made some significant changes to my eatting this year. Eatting less, and better along with increased activity is my goal. More about that later.

Work is pretty routine at this point.

Well the writing obviously fell to the wayside. Guess I took on too much. Well here I am back to a January. 5 days and my first year will be complete. 1 year of committment left, but who knows when I will leave.

I spent the holidays back in the pacific northwest. Great holidays with family.

We are starting the new year with a staff retreat. Which essentially means we do as little work as possible; ramp up our sitting to 5-6 hours and have a hour of buddhist studies with our resident teacher. We are in silence from morning until dinner.

While I was gone the main shrine room was repainted. Very nice but very smelly.

New Kitchen person arrived on the 11th. She is from Texas. We get on like a house on fire. Her and I have been doing some stair step exercises in the evenings. This year is starting off to be more active and less indulgent. I hope to make some serious changes to how I approach food.

Its tough living in a big community, but it could be bigger and worse. It fills me with all sorts of mixed emotions, but most of all it has taught me a heck of a lot about myself. Hopefully I will write more.